WAITING TIME

Had my brain scan yesterday, which took more or less three hours. I was trying to fight the fear that being kept in an enclosure for a long period of time can induce, so I forced myself to sleep through the process. There was a brace over my forhead so at least there was no likelihood of any movement that would disrupt the scan.

Now the waiting time begins. I was told I will get the results in three to five days. I am forcing myself to tink positively and cling on to the promises of God in His word.

FACING A NEW MOUNTAIN

Yesterday, was quite a heavy day for me. My old high school classmates had just started arriving from all over the world in time for our class reunion this weekend. Added to that, our school was in a frenzy over the althletic meet that we are currently competing in. When Bong told me that my surgeon, Doc Emil, was inviting us for lunch I was hesitant to add another entry into my full-packed day. But go to lunch we did.

During the course of the meal, Tutti, Emil's wife and an opthalmologist, pointed out to me that I needed to see a neurologist as soon as possible because she noticed that the blinking on my left eye was delayed. Actually, I did notice the discomfort on the eye, along with the sudden hypersensitivity of my left ear and frequent loss of balance during the last couple of weeks. I just falsely presumed that it was a side effect of my chemotherapy.

In hindsight, I think it was providential that we had that lunch date yesterday.

After swallowing all the food that I could from my plate, we proceeded to try to get an appointment with the neurologist at the soonest possible time. The two-hour wait for the appointment seemed endless.

Finally, at half past four, I settled into the doctor's clinic. As it turns out, I have some sort of paralysis on the left side of my face and all fingers seem to be pointing to a spread of the cancer to my brain. When the doctor made this pronouncement, my morale seemed to crash down to my feet as quickly as the blood rushed to my head all over again, for the millionth time this past year. He proceeded to tell me about probabilities and the risk factors but I was only half listening as my mind was shuffling around for something solid to hold on to.

After the doctor's visit, I had to make arrangements for a brain scan. Having only one hospital where I can have it done here, I learned that I now have to wait a couple of days more for the hospital to accomodate me for the procedure. Having nowhere else to go, we decided to go to the prayer meeting in church. There, everyone gathered over me to pray for me and cry with us as we face yet another challenge in this long and arduous road that we are taking.

Today, I choose to face this new mountain with continued faith that God is in full control of my life and that He has great plans for me. As I wait for the scheduled scan and the doctor's appointments that are sure to follow, I am overwhelmed with peace that all things will work out for my good, whatever that may be.

Please remain in prayer with us, for faith to move this mountain and for God's deliverance yet again.

I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him.
Mark 11:22-24

GIVING BACK

I just came back from visiting two sisters today. One of them, the older one has just finished her chemotherapy and is getting ready to begin her month-long radiation treatment for stage 3 breast cancer. The younger one, has just been recently diagnosed with breast cancer in situ. Their cousin, a friend of mine, had asked me to pay them a visit and give them a little hope.

For over an hour, we chatted about hair loss, diet and life with cancer. This time, I was the one on the listening side as I just allowed them to talk about their struggles and little triumphs. Of course, I gave them little tips and anecdotes that hopefully will encourage them to keep on fighting.

Giving back is a very empowering experience.

TRIPLE CELEBRATION

This week we will be celebrating three important milestones:

• on the 15th, will mark my first year as a cancer survivor
• on the 17th, I will celebrate my 41st birthday
• on the 18th, Angela will have her 14th birthday.

Thank God for the wonderful miracle of life!

To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore!

Jude 1:24-25

SERENDIPITY AND WABI-SABI

As I celebrate my first year anniversary as a breast cancer survivor in a few days, it is quite fitting that I serendipitously stumbled upon the concept of wabi-sabi.

Pared down to its barest essence, wabi-sabi is the Japanese art of finding beauty in imperfection and profundity in nature, of accepting the natural cycle of growth, decay, and death. It celebrates cracks and crevices and all the other marks that time, weather, and loving use leave behind. It reminds us that we are all but transient beings on this planet-that our bodies as well as the material world around us are in the process of returning to the dust from which we came. Through wabi-sabi, we learn to embrace liver spots, rust, and frayed edges, and the march of time they represent.

Nothing exemplifies the Japanese culture more than tea. Tea, in its current form, was born out of a medieval society rife with terrible warfare, yet the samurai were willing to set aside their rank-and their swords-to become equals within the tearoom.

In learning tea, we're constantly reminded that every meeting is a once-in-a-lifetime occasion to enjoy good company, beautiful art, and a cup of tea. We never know what might happen tomorrow, or even later today. Stopping whatever it is that's so important (dishes, bill paying, work deadlines) to share conversation and a cup of tea with someone is an easy opportunity to promote peace. It is from this place of peace, harmony, and fellowship that the true wabi-sabi spirit emerges.

A year ago, I would not have believed that I could come to a level of acceptance for the things that I have had to deal with: appreciating beauty through the ravages of a mastectomy that confronts me in the mirror everyday; being optimistic about a future that is marred by worry and fears that only cancer can bring; finding life through the physical discomforts and fatigue that accompanies a lengthy treatment.

Carrying the burden of things with grace and dignity: wabi-sabi. Finding God’s love in the midst of pain and adversity: wabi-sabi. Viewing life with joy and vibrancy amidst illness: wabi-sabi. Standing still in peace and faith as the storm blows outside: wabi-sabi.

Wabi-sabi. What an amazing way to describe the sense of balance that I find myself in today.

The voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.

Marcel Proust

Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn,

whatever state I may be in, therein to be content.

Helen Keller

MY 2007 IN REVIEW

Where have the 365 days gone?

They seem to have flown past me in a flurry of events, emotional highs, physical pain, heartwarming milestones, and great memories in between.

Anyone watching on the sidelines would think we had a terrible year. This time last year, we were about to bury my mother who had died after 100 days in a coma, due to a hospital error. Immediately after burying her, I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Invasive Lobular Carcinoma that had spread to my lymphatic system. It was the deadly triple (estrogen, progesterone and her2neu) negative type, the one that according to doctors does not respond very well to treatment. I was sentenced to a probable survival rate of fifteen percent in the next five years.

Just as I was about to start with my chemotherapy treatment, my dear friend and well-loved mentor, Emy Porter passed away due to cancer. We had watched her fight valiantly and bravely and so her demise was a particularly devastating as well as scary thing.

In Feburary, I began with my chemotherapy treatment. As we fumbled our way through six aggressive cycles, I struggled with the rages of physical discomfort as well as depression. Other than that, I tried to decently mourn the tragic and seemingly unjust death of mother, whom I had taken care of all these years.

In July, we proceeded to Cebu for six weeks of radiation treatment. As soon as we arrived there, my husband's dad and bestfriend, my father-in-law also passed away.

I trudged along the thirty days of treatment in Cebu, mostly alone as my husband had to stay in Iloilo to take care of the kids.

Thinking that at least our days would be easier as soon as my treatment in August was over, we received another blow when we found another growth that forced me to resume with six more cycles of chemotherapy in October.

Difficult work problems also crept up on us and left us shaken and unsure. Added to that were several more challenges that had compounded because of our situation.

Yup, looking back it did seem like a pretty bad one. But looking inwards to what happened in our hearts, it has been a liberating year. For one, I have proven that the bonds that tie our family together are very, very strong. If at all possible, I have come to love them even more deeply. Secondly, we have learned to filter the unnecessary concerns from our lives in order to focus on the more important ones. Third, I would like to think that my heart has become more compassionate, forgiving and generous towards the people around me. Last and most importantly, I have come to a profound understanding of God’s unconditional and total love for me as His child.

Somehow, this was also the year when our family became closer, the children more mature. I became the grateful recipient of God’s overflowing provision which sustained my family through the piling medical bills. I became more attuned with people’s kindness and sincerity. I found many long-lost friends who got in touch with me as soon as they found out what we were going through. I made many new and rich friendships too along the way.

We leave 2007, then, not as battle-weary soldiers but as true conquerors. We have seen the amazing resiliency of spirits that are strengthened by God’s grace and by the love of our dear friends and family who solidly stood by us through our ordeal.

Thank you very much for all your prayers and encouragement. Here's to a prosperous and triumphant 2008 for all of us!

Launch slideshow of my 2007 review here.

SURVIVOR CHRISTMAS

Today I am celebrating my first Christmas as a cancer survivor. Beyond the hustle and busy schedule, I can actually see some little but meaningful changes in me.

For one, I have a better appreciation for family gatherings. Preparing for dinners and parties are no longer an obligation in order to make everyone happy. I must say that now I can actually enjoy these get-togethers for what they are meant to be: time to catch up on each other’s lives and to bond.

Secondly, It’s easier to buy gifts now without fretting over the price tag. Saving up for a rainy day is no longer my number one mantra. Although I must say that I have spent quite a fortune this year on my treatment, the fear of lack is no longer controlling me.

Third, I think I really am a much more generous person now. Truth be told, I used to give gifts as payback for services received or as plain tradition. Now, I just enjoy giving, period.

What was once a stressful series of family and community events have become for me a wonderful time to share, give and love.

Merry Christmas to me!

A CHRISTMAS FAREWELL

So long, my friend.

I know that throughout all of my life, I have shared many Christmas memories with you. But this time, I must say, I have to let go of you. I’m sorry to say that cancer has forced me to make this painful decision, but we both know it’s for the best.

I can’t begin to imagine enjoying Christmas dinner without you on my plate but I have to be satisfied with fruits and vegetables this time.

I will miss your crispy skin and tender ribs, not to mention your liver sauce.

I do hope that somewhere down the road, I can celebrate Christmas with you again.

FUN AGAIN

Most of today was spent watching my daughter play volleyball with the high school varsity. As I watched her move agilely across the court, two things struck me:

First, I realized that 25 years ago, I was at the very same stadium, in the very same competition, playing the very same game with my high school team.

The combination of nostalgia and pride was great food for my soul.

Second, she seems to be more carefree these days. She no longer looks over her shoulder every few minutes just to check if I'm okay.

She is having fun again.

I don't exactly know why but these two thoughts really made me happy. My relationship with her has never been better because of what we have just gone through as a family.

ANOTHER DOCTOR'S VISIT

I had another visit with my oncologist today. Before going up to her office, I saw one of my co-survivors waiting in her jeep because she could not go up the flight of stairs. She was waiting for the doctor to just check her right there in the parking lot. I found out later that her cancer had already spread to her bones and the metastasis was causing her spinal column to be compacted. She could not yet afford the medication for metastasis that I am also taking, so they are trying to buy time.

I waited for my turn in the lobby, saddened that she could not afford the treatment but thankful that I could. I must really say that I am really blessed to be able to afford all the medications I have had to take, without any insurance at that. This got me to thinking that someday I hope to be in a position to help other cancer patients who have no money to pay for their treatments.

A few minutes after my oncologist finally arrived in her clinic, I was called in. She did the routine check on my collarbone and breast area for possible new growths. We also discussed the need for me to have the mastectomy of my remaining breast and the hysterectomy in February, at the latest. She checked my blood tests and other laboratory results. So far, I'm clear til the next visit.

Well, that is that.

TWO ROUNDS WITH XELODA

Tomorrow, I will complete my second cycle of Xeloda. The instructions from my oncologist say that I must take two tablets of it, an hour after eating breakfast and another two after dinner.

I'm getting the hang of planning my meals around it, and around the other medications I have to take.

After being more vigilant about my physical condition this past year, I can pick up the side effects that are already silently creeping in.

I am becoming more easily fatigued.

Occasionally, I wake up to tingling and numbness on my fingertips. At least, I do not have the more severe symptoms: peeling, blisters, and swelling...yet.

Sometimes, when I stand up I am overcome by dizziness and a pounding heartbeat.

Will it get better, or will it get worse? I don't know.

FAREWELL, MY FRIEND

I received a text message today to inform me that one of my co-survivors in our support group has succumbed to breast cancer. I was just talking to her last week, when we were both waiting for our turn in our oncologist's clinic. She was telling me during our short time together that everytime she thinks of giving up, she changes her mind when she thinks of me.

This is the first time that someone I had walked with in the months of my treatment has passed away. It is a very sobering and saddening thought.

Farewell, Gemma, we will really miss your generous smile. You fought the good fight. Please intercede for us who remain here. See you, my friend.

DULCE'S LAST DANCE

Today's headlines was quite a shocker.

In the early hours of Wednesday morning, a dumptruck passed a red light in one of the intersections of Manila and rammed into a family van, killing one and injuring three others. The most prominent passenger of the family van was Senator Rene Saguisag, a controversial political figure in our country, lawyer of deposed Former President Joseph Estrada.

But, no, his presence in the accident was not what shook me. It was the fact that his wife, Dulce, also a prominent political figure, was the lone fatality. She was a ten-year breast cancer survivor.

How can one begin to find meaning in such a tragedy? Here was a woman who had fought hard to rise above the ravages of breast cancer for ten years, only to die in a tragic road mishap. It appears so senseless. Her son was supposed to get married next month.

I remember the night before I checked into the hospital for my biopsy last January, my 16-year old son had told me at the dinner table: You have to make it, Ma, because I need you to be with me on my wedding day.

The promise I gave my son that night has, on many days, kept me going. During the times when I need to find a vision to focus on, I think of being around when my children celebrate their important moments. That is why I am so sad that Mrs. Saguisag will miss that milestone in her son's life.

The mysteries of life indeed.

In the over-all scheme of life, and death, apparently we are all made equal. If anything, this incident only reiterates to me that the question we should ask should not be how long we live but how well we live each day that is given to us.

The manner of Dulce Saguisag’s death showed the lengths she would go to protect her husband, according to their eldest son, Rene “Rebo” Saguisag Jr.

“As you can see from what happened, she absorbed everything to save my father,” the 35-year-old lawyer told the Philippine Daily Inquirer, parent company of INQUIRER.net. “By and large, that’s how their relationship was.”Partners even on the ballroom floor, Rene and Dulce Saguisag were married for more than 30 years.

“Rene will be lost without Dulce. That’s their relationship,” said Sen. Joker Arroyo, a longtime friend of the couple.

(Quoted from "She Saved the Last Dance for Him" by DJ Yap, Tarra Quismundo)

CHRISTA'S PHOTO

Today marks the end of my first cycle of oral chemotherapy for metastatic cancer. Although there are no signs of any recurrence, my oncologist has recommended that I undergo this regimen because of the high grade and stage of my breast cancer.

After completing the prescribed six cycles in a few months, my oncologist recommends that I have a complete mastectomy.

This issue about the mastectomy has been cropping up time and again because my doctors could not seem to agree on the option that I should take. Two conservative doctors say that I should wait a while. The aggressive ones say that I should have done it yesterday.

Truth be told, I was having issues about the mastectomy for a while but while surfing through the internet a few days ago, I found this amazing photo that really struck me. It speaks volumes on hope, self-worth and inner joy.

Christa Slotbloom is a breast cancer survivor who continues to chronicle her journey through eloquent and honest photographs.

Seeing her photos have changed my perspective entirely on a lot of things.

TOUCHING VIDEO

This amazing video commercial for the featured cancer foundation never fails to bring me to tears.

BREAST CANCER AROUND THE WORLD

According to this Time magazine feature, the Philippines Age-Standardized Rate per 100,000 is 46.6.

SECOND ROUND

Today, I begin my new chemotherapy regimen.

It will be primarily anchored on Xeloda, a drug that is intended for cancer that has metastasized to the bone. The whole regimen will cover eighteen weeks consisting of six cycles, a whole spectrum of drugs and vitamins. According to my oncologist, because of the characteristics of my cancer, lobular carcinoma, she has to apply treatment on the cellular level. She is thinking that my cancer must have began ten to fifteen years ago.

I am a little wary of the side effects that are bound to come, but over all, I feel good that I am doing something to control the situation.

This new treatment is preventive in nature, to eliminate further any chance of a spread of the cancer to my bones. I like the idea that we are being aggressive in covering all possible avenues to ensure that any wayward cancer cell hiding within my body will be targeted and that cancer will not come back.

Just like anything in life, there are two options that I can take in my cancer fight: conservative or aggressive. After all these years, I have now found out that it actually feels good to be aggressive.

I am worked up and eager for the next round.

I am in faith that I am steadily moving towards a cancer knock-out.

ON STRESS AND BREAST CANCER RISK

I found this interesting article in the internet today. I am aware that medical practitioners and researchers have always raised an eyebrow towards the claim that stress can contribute to breast cancer risk. However, my own instinct and intuition tells me that stress did play a big part in the development of my cancer.

I could not totally erase from my mind that on March 2006, biopsy results on my two-centimeter or so lump stated that it was benign. Regretfully I wasn't able to have the lump immediately removed because of the subsequent events in my life which culminated in the hospitalization and tragic death of my mother. Ten months after, my lump had grown to six centimeters and had developed into Stage 3 cancer.

STUDY LINKS STRESS TO THE RISK OF BREAST CANCER
by Clair Weaver


STRESSED career women may be at higher risk of developing breast cancer, according to new research.

Those working in the most high-pressure jobs have been found to be 30 per cent more likely to be diagnosed with the disease, which is the biggest female cancer killer among Australian women.

A study of more than 36,000 women, published in the journal Epidemiology this month, reveals a link between workplace stress and heightened breast cancer risk.

The finding is controversial, as past research and doctors have ruled out stress as a significant risk factor.

"Women with both low job control and high job demands had higher risk of breast cancer than women with high job control and low demands," the study found.

Breast cancer is on the rise in Australia, affecting more than 11,700 women a year and killing 2600, but survival and detection are also improving.

Sue Carrick, head of research strategy at the National Breast Cancer Foundation, said it was difficult to measure and compare stress levels.

"What is important to note is that although we have a much greater understanding of some risk factors for breast cancer, we still do not understand the causes of the majority of breast cancers," she said.

She said the biggest known risk factors were getting older, with the disease peaking in women aged 45 to 69, being overweight, post-menopause and drinking four or more standard drinks a day.

Hormone replacement therapy, having children later in life or not at all and a family history have also been identified as risk factors.

To mark the start of Breast Cancer Month, the foundation has announced $10 million in funding to go towards finding better treatments for women with advanced breast cancer.

The Job Strain And Risk Of Breast Cancer study found no increased risk in women who worked part-time. It has been suggested stress may raise levels of estrogen, which can boost the risk of hormone-dependent breast cancer.

Sydneysider Amanda Maltabarow, 49, was in a high-powered marketing job when she was diagnosed with invasive breast cancer five years ago.

She has been taking the drug Tamoxifen since having a breast, ovaries and lymph nodes removed.

"I definitely think stress was a contributing factor," she said.

"I was a mum, I had a career, I was saying yes to everything, trying to be a corporate wife and splitting myself in 50 ways – I never relaxed and just enjoyed my life and family."

A TRIBUTE TO THE PINK LADIES

Last weekend, I joined my first breast cancer walk as a breast cancer survivor. The walk was a gathering of several medical companies, surgeons and government agencies to raise awareness about breast cancer in our city. Before that event, I guested in several local television shows to talk about my recent bout with cancer treatment.

The thirty-minute walk culminated in a work out session which was facilitated by the local Department of Health. Once again, I could not help but stand aside in admiration at my co-survivors, my sisters-in-arms, and how they have all risen above their individual situations.

No doubt, the highlight of the day for me was meeting Mary Grace. She is a very young cancer survivor, only 24. As soon as she was inducted as a member of our organization, everyone just trooped to her and gave her a hug. She could not help but shed a few tears. And we could not help but choke back the tears for her, so young and supposedly yet, so full of dreams.

Meeting such a young survivor elicited such a myriad of thoughts and emotions from me...compassion for a very young woman, a teacher at that...love for the older survivors who wordlessly embraced her into their lives...a little fear for my own young daughter...vast thankfulness to God for the ocean of grace that has flowed in my life. I left that encounter a little more enriched in an unexpected way.

Cancer has intruded in all our lives, in the devastating and consuming way that only cancer can. To some degree, we have been robbed of our innocence towards death, but instead of becoming tainted everyone seems to have become more child-like in their faith, because of the experience.

Our message is clear: life can be fruitful, even while fighting cancer.

CRITICIZED FOR CANCER

Today was one frustrating day. Being the wife of a minister, I know that many people expect me to be at the giving end most of the time. I wonder if I was too idealistic to think that being in treatment for cancer excuses me for a while from certain expectations.

Before going into my treatment last February, I had asked certain people to resolve whatever they needed to resolve with me, so that I could then focus on trying to get well. Of course, it helped that my oncologist told me, if there was anytime in my life that I needed to think of myself first, there would be no better time than now.

Who would have thought that some people would think that I was just making my cancer an excuse to be selfish. In truth, all I could think of these past few months has been finding the strength to get up each day, and find every possible means to walk with my family through this ordeal with hope for the future.

It is a very sad and hurtful thing to be criticized because I was trying to give myself time to get well. It is a hateful thing to say about me and my husband at this difficult time and I am quite angry and troubled.

Thankfully, our purpose in life is not determined by what people say about us. Thankfully, I have learned to be angry and productive at the same time.

Thankfully cancer has taught me to value the right things in life.

"Never believe that your fate has been misplaced. It can never disappear because it's everywhere around you. Your family, your friends, you classmates, your life. Live life as if you weren't living for anything. Take your time. Tomorrow's still coming.”

Patrick Mabilog

LiFe accg. tO dragoNflies: the Final ePistle on Misplaced Fate- the Coup de Grace