* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Welcome to my personal thoughts and opinions…travels and personal encounters…momentary acquaintances and lifetime connections as I view life through the pink-tinted spectacles of breast cancer.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

May 28, 2007

CANCER MOVIES TO WATCH

My Life Without Me: This is about a young working mother named Ann with two daughters and a husband. She lives with her family in a tiny trailer in her mother's backyard. After she collapses one day she goes to the doctor who gives her grave news. She tells no one. Ann's emotional journey leads her to unexpected places and gives her life new meaning: the tender moments, the volatile emotions she must keep inside, the recognition that she has the power to understand, examine and fully live her own life.



Sweet November: Each month free-spirited Sara starts a new relationship. Her task is to take a month to make one man become a better person, and then she moves on. While November rolls around and Sara targets a busy Tycoon, she does not plan on falling in love. But they do, and as a result, Nelson learns the painful secret behind the brevity of Sara's romances.



The Family Stone: A comedy with heart. This story is about an annual holiday gathering of an unconventional New England family. Before the holidays are done, relationships will unravel while new ones are formed, secrets will be revealed and the Stone family will come together though its extraordinary capacity for love.




The Doctor: Jack is a doctor who has it all. He is then diagnosed with throat cancer. Now that he has seen medicine, hospitals, and doctors from the patient's perspective, he realizes there is more to being a doctor than surgery and prescriptions.





Fine Things: Bernie Fine, a is a home loving New Yorker. One day, while walking the floors he meets Jane, a little girl who has lost her mother. When they find her mother, Liz, Bernie is enchanted with her and they become involved and eventually marry. Liz becomes pregnant, but their joy is short lived as after their son, Alexander, is born Liz is diagnosed with Leukemia.



Wit: This is a story about a woman who isreceiving treatment for ovarian cancer. She is in the hospital bed showing what life is like for a cancer patient, most likely going to die from her disease, to hold on to her wit.




Stepmom: Jackie and Isabel have nothing in common--one is the ideal mother, the other is struggling to be any kind of mother--until circumstances force them to share a family and put aside their mutual hostility for the sake of the children. They discover how precious life, love and the ties that bind them really are in this tale about the intricate circumstances surrounding what happens when a man's new wife learns from his former wife that she is terminally ill with cancer.

May 18, 2007

A FEW FLOWERS AND CANCER

Today I walked back through my life again, retracing my steps for the thousandth time since the day I knew I had breast cancer. It has become some sort of a right of passage for me, as I decisively move on to wellness. It is not because I am running out of time, but because now I could appreciate and use time in a new way, and I want to empower myself for personal growth, fulfillment and balance ...whether long or short the future may be.

Ten years ago today, I know exactly what I was doing. I was painting. I had a one-woman-show scheduled for the end of that year, and I was frantically working towards coming up with thirty artworks to display. I was trying to enjoy the process of making paintings that bore my soul while feeling the pressure of the critics’ write ups that would come the day after the show opened.

It seems like a lifetime away now, my days as a painter. In the succeeding years of teaching, ministering, raising my kids, growing our school, it seemed like the most logical thing to do was to give up on painting. After all, being an artist required too much of me. In creating art, I had to be true to myself and yet be brave enough to receive what my audience had to say. It was like setting myself up on a platter for all the world to scrutinize and cut up. And so, because I was not sure of myself, the joy of filling up a canvas with colors, of watching the pigments come together to create magic, slowly faded into a memory.

Thankfully, one of the great blessings of cancer in my life is that all these months of introspection has taught me to love myself in a way that I never did. Instead of letting this illness destroy me, it has taught me that I do have redeemable qualities, skills and wisdom to share.

This morning, I dug up old photos of my “masterpieces”. I no longer feel emptiness nor uncertainty now while looking at them. I reacquaint myself with each artwork, and even if they are no longer mine, I am no longer wary but proud that they will always be an extension of who I am.
I wonder how they are now still touching lives in different offices or homes all over the world, and this makes me more eager to paint again.










May 17, 2007

DAY 122 A.D.


Today is the 122nd day since my life was so drastically split into two: BC (before cancer) and AD (after diagnosis). It's my 122nd day as a cancer survivor.


I have a new mantra:


My cancer is dead. My cancer is dead. My cancer is dead. My cancer is dead. My cancer is dead. My cancer is dead. My cancer is dead. My cancer is dead. My cancer is dead. My cancer is dead. My cancer is dead. My cancer is dead. My cancer is dead. My cancer is dead.

Long live me!

May 15, 2007

HEAD OUT OF THE SAND

I had my last shot yesterday to pull up my white blood cell count and so the protocol for my fifth chemo cycle is officially now over. I have one cycle more to go but ironically I am starting to feel scared. Pretty soon, all treatment will be over and then I begin my journey as a cancer survivor on my own. There will no longer be doctors and nurses to check me up every few days. There will no longer be meds to boost my immune system. I will have to deal with the state of counting my days in terms of survival rates and statistics. I will have to deal with the wondering why this ever happened to me and why I did not do what I needed to do way back when I knew something was wrong. I will have to deal with the asymmetrical image I see in the mirror everyday. I will have to be vigilant and fight off the fears on my own.


I need to pull my head out of the sand quick.

May 12, 2007

POSTING FOR POSTERITY


Since I am almost done with my chemotherapy sessions, I decided to post some sort of a photo journal for posterity...













7:00 a.m.
Getting ready for the hospital for an overnight stay. It's my second to the last cycle so far and I am nearing the finish line...yahoo!


7:15 a.m.
Bong goes to the Admitting Section and I wait in the Waiting Area. I am not allowed in the Admitting Section to avoid any exposure to infection.


7:25 a.m.
I am off to my room. One of the procedures I hate is having to be wheeled in to my room when I can very well walk.

I try to bribe the orderly to let me give him a ride on the wheel chair this time. I have done this over a dozen times since my surgery in January but noone has taken the bite.


7:30 a.m.
All chemo patients here don't go through the normal SOP of passing through ER before admission and so I am in my room now waiting for all the necessary pre-admission procedures. Meanwhile I set up all my "survival equipment" while waiting for the nurse. I brought some homework to kill idle time.


8:20 a.m.

I always request for Ritchie, the nurse from the second floor who is better than the residents in inserting the thick needle into my vein. (I am selfishly glad he didn't make it to the Big Brother auditions!) Today, however seems to be a challenge even for him because practically all the veins on the back of my left hand are weak and blackish from all previous chemo sessions.

Because I had a mastectomy and lymph nodes removed from my right axilla, they are not supposed to do any procedure on my right arm, even for blood pressure monitoring, at least in the next ten years. So its not an option for the I.V.

After the third attempt to insert the needle, the back of my left arm is swollen so they have no choice but to insert just below my open palm. They warn me that it will be painful because the skin there is thin. Let's do it, I say.


9:30 a.m.
Finally, the needle is in. Ouch that hurt!


10:00 a.m.
Talked to my friend Deah. Her husband, Juray and daughter, Iya will be coming over the weekend. She asked me what I want from over there and I started fantasizing about the Donuts and Cinammon Rolls that she sends me. Maybe not this time, Dey. Then she said she was just thinking about Krispy Kremes. Maybe I should venture out of my diet for a day when Juray comes...hmmm...


12:00 p.m.
Doc Jesena arrives and gets down to work. She greets me by saying I am looking better and better everytime she sees me. She first gives me a sedative, but as always it doesn't put me to sleep. Then she proceeds with administering my three medicines for chemo. The last one she gives me is Taxotere, the most toxic of all my meds. She has to monitor it closely, watching the drip constantly because the medicine is quite dense and oily and many of her patients go into cardiac distress while it is being administered.

She seems tensed doing this so I try to draw her out by engaging her in small talk. She tells me about her own cancer scare, about treating depressed and difficult patients, and the health challenges of her two daughters. I tell her about how God has played the greatest role in my postive outlook and how I hope she can let me share this to some of her other patients. I also asked her to look around for children suffering from cancer because I want to give them scholarships in our school.

Finally I am done and the the IV comes off.


5:00 p.m.
Bong goes to the house to check on the kids for a while. In the meantime, I take a few moments to thank God for all his blessings, for all the great friends who I know are praying for me and to visualize the medicines eradicating all remaining cancer cells in my body, if any. Bong arrives after an hour and a half or so.


7:30 p.m.
After a dinner of raw veggies and water, I am off to dream land, as the meds are starting to take effect. Bong goes down to the ICU to visit someone who just had a brain tumor removed. Good night.

The nurses monitor my pulse and blood pressure all night to rule out any cardiac reactions.

Next day...

9:00 a.m.
I am finally discharged from the hospital. I pass by the grocery to grab same parsley and bananas for my green smoothies, and some goodies for the kids.


10:30 a.m.
Since my doctor said that I should relax, what better way to do it than shop for a while. I take a look at some hats ( my new favorite things) and some books (my all time favorite things.)

After lunch I pass by the school to check on the enrollment and grab a few more "homework", and to chit-chat with the teachers and parents there.


3:00 p.m.
I am finally homeward bound.

May 6, 2007

EMOTIONAL WELLNESS

I just finished reading the book Chinese Cinderella. I bought it as soon as I saw it in the bookstore because my high school friends were just telling me that the girl’s story is not far from my own. Reading through the memoirs of Adeline Yen Mah, I certainly felt her fears and her struggles as if they were mine. I found myself in her loneliness in a family that was emotionally distant, in her struggles with being the unfavored child, her resolve to gain acceptance by achieving in school, her dreams to make it out of her own will and effort. Needless to say, I cried many a tear going through the pages of the book.

Today, I was going through my devotional book, Journeys with the Cancer Conqueror. The chapter I am currently on spoke of how research is providing clear and convincing evidence that cancer can be triggered by charged emotional states. These emotional states are mainly variations of fear, anger and guilt. The presence of these emotional states through a stressful event in the past two years might have contributed to the onset of cancer. The good news: Unburdening often contributes to healing. The devotional book further says that in our society, sickness is a powerful force, one that is rewarded. Patients can manipulate this belief to meet their needs. Some people even cling to cancer as a newfound way to fulfill emotional needs that, otherwise, have gone unmet.

At this point in my treatment, I have done quite my share of introspection and I have come to acknowledge that the stress of the past year must have really compromised my health. When my mother was in the hospital for one hundred days last year, and we struggled to keep her alive, I once again reverted back to my childhood when I would always try to rescue her from trouble. I remember how, as a young girl, I would be overwhelmed with such guilt every time I felt that I could not protect her from my father’s anger. This had gone on and on, when my father left her, when my sister became a problem, when she had to struggle to support my nephews, when she became depressed after my father’s death. Towards the end of her life, when I felt that my tumor had grown too big and I knew for certain that something was wrong, I just could not find it in me to put my health before her welfare. All this time, I could not brush aside the guilt as well as the frustration that I never truly gained her, nor my father’s approval.

Having read that people with cancer tend to use their illness to fulfill emotional needs, I suddenly realized that sometimes it seems like my having cancer has become too much like carrying my medals in childhood, in order to gain admiration and approval. This light bulb moment was a true God-send because I know that in order for me to get past this cancer, I first need to resolve whatever emotional conflicts brought me here.

Slowly but surely, I am changing not only my eating habits, but equally as important, my emotional lifestyle. I have the ability to choose my emotions, everyday in every situation. This is a critical change on my journey to wellness.

May 4, 2007

A LESSON LEARNED

Yesterday, my son Patrick was interviewed on local tv. He was asked to sing some of the songs he personally composed. I was surprised to find out that one of the songs I really like was actually written with me in mind. Naturally, one of the questions that followed was: What is the greatest lesson you learned from your mom?

During the pause, my mind started running.

Surely, Kiko would have to say courage. He knows how I have risen from the shadows of being an unwanted child to become a person of relative success. I have been quite open with them about my struggle with rejection, poor self-esteem, self-flagellation when I was young, to become a more confident, focused and altruistic adult.

Maybe, he would say creativity because he has watched me paint and write and do creative things. I would like to think he takes after me in that.

At least, he can probably say forgiveness because he has witnessed how I have chosen to forgive people who many would think are unforgivable.

If not, then hopefully he would remember love for reading…compassion...worshipful heart towards God...wisdom...resourcefulness... being hard working. Yes, I'd like to think I have all of these things.

If nothing else, then maybe survivor, for obvious reasons.

After a few moments of grappling for words to say, Kiko finally blurts out:

You know what my mom has taught me? Don’t take crap from anyone.

Oh gosh, what a poetic way to sum up sixteen years of motherhood in five words. I could die laughing.

But having thought about it, I am glad he learned that from me.

May 3, 2007

LOW FAT DIET AND BREAST CANCER

Having been diagnosed with Invasive Lobular Carcinoma and with Estrogen and Progesterone Receptor Negative Status, it has been an challenge to find anything about treatment beyond chemotherapy and radiation. Because we comprise only 8 to 12 % of all those with Breast Cancer, it seems that studies have not yet conclusively found any treatment after chemotherapy. ER-PR Positive Breast Cancer Survivors, however, have such alternatives as Tamoxifen. Even exercise apparently benefits them more.

But today, I found the article below which is about something that finally benefits those who are ER-PR Negative.

The good news is that there appears to be a relationship between former breast cancer patients eating low fat diets and prevention of the disease's return.

The not-so-good news is that the benefit appears to be confined to women whose breast cancer tumor growth was not hormone (e.g. estrogen) related.

The research was presented this weekend at the San Antonio Breast Cancer Symposium and will be published this coming week in the Journal of the National Cancer Institute.

According to the Associated Press, the U.S. government-sponsored study's results were somewhat surprising. Scientists had expected a low fat diet to have some benefit for most breast cancer survivors. But that wasn't the case.

"Maybe it raises as many issues as it answers," the A.P. quotes John Milner, chief of nutrition science research for the National Cancer Institute, as saying. The research team was led by Dr. Rowan Chlebowski of the University of California at Los Angeles, and it found that there was no significant statistical difference in breast cancer's return among women who were on a low fat diet and whose cancer was hormone-induced.

But that figure changed dramatically when it measured women whose breast cancer wasn't associated with hormones. According to the A.P., just 6 percent of these patients on low-fat diets died compared with 17 percent of the others, a 66 percent lower risk of death.

Now at least, there is something I can work on, to be actively involved in fighting any possible recurrence. I could not imagine myself just sitting back after my treatment ends in July, fearfully waiting for it to come back.

May 1, 2007

COMPANY I KEEP

I just found out today that reknowned Filipino film director Marilou Diaz Abaya was diagnosed with Breast Cancer at around the same time as I was. I am adding her to the list of women whose company I "keep", those who have been diagnosed and are or working towards being survivors.


  • Betty Ford - former US First Lady
    Carly Simon - musician
    Cynthia Nixon - stage and tv actress
    Dede Robertson - wife of evangelist Pat Robertson
    Diahann Carroll - singer
    Elizabeth Anania Edwards - lawyer and wife of Senator John Edwards
    Gloria Steinem - activist
    Greta Garbo - actress
    Jacklyn Smith - actress
    Joan Kennedy - former wife of Senator Edward Kennedy
    Kate Jackson - actress
    Kay Warren - wife of Rick Warren
    Kylie Minogue - pop star
    Lynn Redgrave - actress
    Melissa Etheridge - singer
    Nancy Reagan – former US First Lady
    Olivia Newton John - singer
    Peggy Fleming - muitli-awarded skater
    Sandra Day O’Connor - first female US Supreme Court Justice
    Sheryl Crow- rocker
    Shirley Temple Black - actress
    Bibeth Oteza - Filipina actress and activist
    Marilou Diaz Abaya - Filipina Director