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Welcome to my personal thoughts and opinions…travels and personal encounters…momentary acquaintances and lifetime connections as I view life through the pink-tinted spectacles of breast cancer.

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April 28, 2007

RAIN ON A SUMMER DAY

Yesterday it rained for a few minutes. The smell of rain on the hot pavement, the soft patter of the raindrops on the roof, the cool air blowing through the windows. They were all such a delightful respite from the seemingly endless summer heat.

This has been one long and hard summer. To add to the challenges of my chemotherapy, it has been unusually hot and, of all times, the power outages have become more frequent. They were just saying in the month of May, things will even get worse. Hearing that, I felt weighed down with the prospect of having to go through the second half of my treatment and enduring all the discomforts.

Therefore, when Bong came home with a smile from ear to ear, I wasn’t really interested in what he had to say. No amount of cheering up could pull me out of the rut.

Well, he sure proved me wrong.

Apparently, my oncologist had been readjusting my treatment based on my responses to the infusions and medications. Because I was responding quite well, some doses were elevated which means I will have only two more cycles left instead of three! This also means my chemotherapy will end in May instead of June. And the best development of all, I will just have foul taste buds two more times and not three.

Rain on a summer day. Good news on bad days. God’s loving faithfulness in tough times.

Thank You, Lord.

April 27, 2007

THE CANCER PERSONALITY

I was just reading this article about cancer and though I was skeptical, I was not surprised to see that the writer, W. Douglas Brodie, MD. seemed to be talking about me. Read on...

In dealing with many thousands of cancer patients over the past 28 years, it has been my observation that there are certain personality traits which are rather consistently present in the cancer-susceptible individual. These characteristics are as follows:


  • *Being highly conscientious, dutiful, responsible, caring, hard-working, and usually of above average intelligence.

    *Exhibiting a strong tendency toward carrying other people's burdens and toward taking on extra obligations, often "worrying for others."

    *Having a deep-seated need to make others happy, tending to be ""people pleasers."" Having a great need for approval.

    *Often having a history of lack of closeness with one or both parents, sometimes, later in life, resulting in lack of closeness with spouse or others who would normally be close.

    *Harboring long-suppressed toxic emotions, such as anger, resentment and/or hostility. Typically the cancer-susceptible individual internalizes such emotions and has great difficulty expressing them.

    *Reacting adversely to stress, often becoming unable to cope adequately with such stress. Usually experiencing an especially damaging event about 2 years before the onset of detectable cancer. The patient is unable to cope with this traumatic event or series of events, which comes as a ""last straw"" on top of years of suppressed reactions to stress.

    *Showing an inability to resolve deep-seated emotional problems and conflicts, usually arising in childhood, often even being unaware of their presence.

Typical of the cancer-susceptible personality, as noted above, is the long-standing tendency to suppress ""toxic emotions,"" particularly anger. Usually starting in childhood, this individual has held in his/her hostility and other unacceptable emotions. More often than not, this feature of the affected personality has its origins in feelings of rejection by one or both parents. Whether these feelings or rejection are justified or not, it is the perception of rejection that matters, and this results in a lack of closeness with the ""rejecting"" parent or parents, followed later in life by a similar lack of closeness with spouses and others with whom close relationships would normally develop. Those at higher risk for cancer tend to develop feelings of loneliness as a result of their having been deprived of affection and acceptance earlier in life, even if this is merely their own perception. These people have a tremendous need for approval and acceptance, developing a very high sensitivity to the needs of others while suppressing their own emotional needs.


These good folks become the ""caretakers"" of the world, showing great compassion and caring for others, and going out of their way to look after the needs of others. They are very reluctant to accept help from others, fearing that it may jeopardize their role as caretakers or that they might appear to have too much self-concern. Throughout their childhood they have typically been taught ""not to be selfish,"" and they take this to heart as a major lifetime objective. All of this benevolence is highly commendable, of course, in our culture, but must be somehow modified in the case of the cancer patient. A distinction needs to be made here between the ""care-giving"" and the ""care-taking"" personality. There is nothing wrong with care-giving, of course, but the problem arises when the susceptible individual derives his/her entire worth, value and identity from his/her role as ""caretaker."" If this shift cannot be made, the patient is stuck in this role, and the susceptibility to cancer greatly increases.

As noted above, a consistent feature of those who are susceptible to cancer appears to be that they ""suffer in silence,"" and bear their burdens without complaint. Burdens of their own as well as the burdens of others weigh heavily, often subconsciously as well as consciously, upon these people because they, through a lifetime of suppression, internalize their problems, cares and conflicts. The carefree extrovert, on the other hand, seems to be far less vulnerable to cancer than the caring introvert described above.

How one reacts to stress appears to be a major factor in the development of cancer. Most cancer patients have experienced a highly stressful event, usually about 2 years prior to the onset of detectable disease. This traumatic event is often beyond the patient's control, such as the loss of a loved one, loss of a business, job, home, or some other major disaster. The typical cancer victim has lost the ability to cope with these extreme events, because his/her coping mechanism lies in his/her ability to control the environment. When this control is lost, the patient has no other way to cope.

Major stress, as we have seen, causes suppression of the immune system, and does so more overwhelmingly in the cancer-susceptible individual than in others. Thus personal tragedies and excessive levels of stress appear to combine with the underlying personality described above to bring on the immune deficiency which allows cancer to thrive.

April 20, 2007

BLACK AND BLUE


This is my bruised hand after a hospital staff struggled to find a good vein. It's now difficult to find a good vein to infuse the chemo drugs into. They could not use my right arm because I had my lymph nodes removed from there.

April 8, 2007

NO WAY BACK

It must have been the long and hot Holy Week and everyone was in a somber mood. Or it could have been the news article I read about John Edward's wife and her incurable condition. It might even be our upcoming 19th wedding anniversary. Or it must also be that I checked on the internet regarding estrogen and progesterone negative breast cancers and I found out that these have a high recurrence rate and survival beyond five years is statistically low.

I don't exactly know what set it off, but the past few days have been my lowest emotionally. It just suddenly dawned on me that this treatment might not work and I will have a recurrence. I kept trying to brush it off but the thought kept coming back. I tried telling some friends about it but one of them said that Satan is just getting a hold of me, and so I have stopped trying to find consolation through them.

I just realized that even when my treatment is over, when my bone scan comes back clear or when my oncologist says I am in remission, there is just no way I can ever go back to those carefree days of old. At some point down the road, the thought will always come back, the fear will always lurk behind the peaceful days, the knowledge will always be there that cancer does come back and that it actually never really goes away.

Now the challenge is trying to live productively through it.

April 1, 2007

TOGAS, SHOTS AND DREAMS-COME-TRUE

Last Tuesday, the nurse was supposed to come to the house at noon time to give me my shots. The results of my white blood cell count had just come in and it was normal, but my chemotherapy protocol requires that I have follow up shots on the fifth and sixth day of the cycle, to pull up my blood cell counts. By two in the afternoon, I was all dressed to go to Angela's graduation and the nurse had not yet come. Angela had already gone ahead to the Graduation Program and she wasn't expecting me at all. The teacher was already calling us that the parents were becoming restless and were starting to complain about the delay. At this point I was still debating over whether to go or not to go. At the spur of the moment, I decided to leave for the venue and ask the nurse to follow me there.

And so on our school's commencement exercises this year, and my daughter's graduation, I was sitting in a backstage corner hidden from everyone but quite happy to make it. Unknown to most that I was there, I watched the kids sing their farewell songs, receive their medals and pay tribute to their parents. I was in tears most of the time, proud of them all and just a little bit sorry for myself. Although my body was in pain, and my mask was constricting my breathing, I totally enjoyed the wide spectrum of emotions displayed and the bloopers behind the scenes. More than skills and knowledge, I realized that what Bong and I do is that we teach these six hundred or so children how to find their dreams and fulfill it. In the years to come, hopefully the number will become thousands. Isn't that such a privelege?

The nurse finally came in between the farewell speeches and I was able to get my shots in the dressing room. She asked me why I chose to be there when I should for once be selfish and sleep the afternoon off. I told her that of course I wanted Angela to know that discomfort will not keep me from being with her on her special day. And other than that, I wanted to see our graduating students, some hundred of them, and let them know by my presence that I have such strong faith in who they are and what they will be someday.

The shots might have boosted my blood cell count for this cycle, but the happy faces boosted everything else that mattered for my recovery.

When I finally came out of the shadows to pose for some photos, the kids one by one came to give me a wary smile or a quick hug. One little girl asked if I was already well because she prayed for me every night. The parents were teary-eyed and busy taking photos.

I may not have delivered any speech this year but hopefully my being there spoke to everyone as much about how I believe in them and how committed I am to see everyone succeed.