It must have been the long and hot Holy Week and everyone was in a somber mood. Or it could have been the news article I read about John Edward's wife and her incurable condition. It might even be our upcoming 19th wedding anniversary. Or it must also be that I checked on the internet regarding estrogen and progesterone negative breast cancers and I found out that these have a high recurrence rate and survival beyond five years is statistically low.
I don't exactly know what set it off, but the past few days have been my lowest emotionally. It just suddenly dawned on me that this treatment might not work and I will have a recurrence. I kept trying to brush it off but the thought kept coming back. I tried telling some friends about it but one of them said that Satan is just getting a hold of me, and so I have stopped trying to find consolation through them.
I just realized that even when my treatment is over, when my bone scan comes back clear or when my oncologist says I am in remission, there is just no way I can ever go back to those carefree days of old. At some point down the road, the thought will always come back, the fear will always lurk behind the peaceful days, the knowledge will always be there that cancer does come back and that it actually never really goes away.
Now the challenge is trying to live productively through it.
I don't exactly know what set it off, but the past few days have been my lowest emotionally. It just suddenly dawned on me that this treatment might not work and I will have a recurrence. I kept trying to brush it off but the thought kept coming back. I tried telling some friends about it but one of them said that Satan is just getting a hold of me, and so I have stopped trying to find consolation through them.
I just realized that even when my treatment is over, when my bone scan comes back clear or when my oncologist says I am in remission, there is just no way I can ever go back to those carefree days of old. At some point down the road, the thought will always come back, the fear will always lurk behind the peaceful days, the knowledge will always be there that cancer does come back and that it actually never really goes away.
Now the challenge is trying to live productively through it.
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