STILL

For the last four months, while we struggled for my mother’s health, all I could look forward to was the time when I could again devote myself for the children. When Nanay passed away, I uttered a prayer of thanks to God that in the midst of our crisis, He taught me so many things. I was certain that in everything that happened God had a purpose and a cosmic plan to fulfill. I said to myself, surely the most painful time of my life was over. Finally I could give time to the kids and watch them grow.

After the interment, Bong and the kids decided to go to Boracay for a break with their Tito Joey. I chose to stay at home for a few blissful days of solitude, in order to gather my faculties and prepare to go back to work. Piles of things had to be done and I needed to change paces quickly. On the last day of their short trip, I got a call from Bong late in the morning. After a little small talk, he told me that while on the ferryboat ride back to the mainland, Angela had fallen into the sea.

Having heard that, a deluge of thoughts started flashing through my mind. I was imagining her trying to grasp the air for support, struggling in the water for a breath of air, fearing the unknown creatures beneath. I was thinking of how terrified she must have been and how much I so wanted to be there to comfort her. My knees trembled as I tried to get a hold of myself. Dealing with the loss of my mother was difficult. But just the prospect of losing a daughter is an entirely different thing.

Gladly, when I talked to her, she was more worried about her cell phone that got wet. Relieved as I was I promptly promised to buy her another one.

Well then, that is that, and I was pretty sure nothing worse would happen now.

Last Monday I went to the hospital for a postponed check up. To be truthful, I was even hesitant to go. But my ood friend, Lufie Dabao was very persistent in reminding me to go for a mammogram and so I dutifully went. At the end of the session I was told that the tumor I had, the one that last year tested benign, had apparently grown to twice the size and signs show a spreading on other parts of my body as well. I now have several lumps on my axilla which is an indication of malignancy. In utter disbelief, Bong and I went home. All I could think about was Kiko asking me the night before to promise that I would be around for his wedding. And Angela floating in the dark . sea, alone without me beside her. Of Joko and Shane who had just lost their lola and who I have had to fight for to stay with me. Of Bong who would be overwhelmed by all the things he had to do.

For days, I could not stop the tears every time I would think of them, and how they would have to cope without me. I was inconsolable as I thought of each one them, feeling as if there was a hole in my heart that could never be filled.

In the months that I tried to find God in Nanay’s tragedy, I eventually realized that God was asking me to lay down my identity and focus on staying still in His presence. Having had to always do the right thing to win my mother’s favor, I realized that it was not what ultimately mattered in our relationship when she was in a coma and unable to show me her approval. What mattered more was that I knew her well and that even when she could not speak, I sensed what she wanted to say to me. Much like Martha who always served, I was now being told to be like Mary who chose to simply love him.

Now I know this is what God is asking of me. He is asking me to lay my husband and children, my family, my most precious things, at His feet and walk in full trust that they are even more precious to Him. As I surrender them to God, I will then able to focus on his goodness and grace as I fight what might very well be my greatest battle yet.

With much heartache and fear, yet total trust in who God is and how He loves me, I chose to say, “Yes Lord.”